Another Clueless Conclusion

As you should know by now, this blog’s name is rightfully called clueless conclusions where no subject is taboo and I try and explain the unexplained and challenge the explained and talk all kind of irrelevant nonsense along the way.

I came across a very interesting truth yesterday, if you consider that light travel faster than sound that is the reason why some people look very good until they start to talk.

Team Rock Paper and Scissors still ROCK!

Yes I know it’s more than a month since I last posted anything on this site. That in fact does not mean that I have nothing to share, but rather that I’ve been absolutely too busy to write about all my adventures. Some of you might watch my facebook profile every now and then. So I thought it good to combine the two and also have my blog fed to my facebook profile, so that people only have to read one or the other.
This past weekend was one of those non-stop energy drainer weekends. I got to bed on Saturday morning at 2h30am after painting the town red. On Saturday night it was time for the Xmas party of all Xmas parties. The night ended 4am the following morning after dozens of Jagebombs and all kinds of other evil stuff I remember something about playing truth or dare......luckily I can’t remember the finer detail.....
To my miss fortune I had to get up at 7am on Sunday, not to have a relaxing breakfast, but to rush to the Germiston lake to participate as a key member in the legendary team Rock, Paper and Scissors for another triathlon. I suspected that I could drown during my swim event considering the state I was in, but nothing that a few pain killers, and energy drinks couldn’t fix!
I am proud to announce that Team Rock, Paper and Scissors improved their time by 2 minutes from the previous race, YOU ROCK!

I’m a down to earth kind of guy

Me and my mountain bike buddy went for a journey around the Emmerentia dam and surrounding areas on Saturday. I was obviously driving my brand new mountain bike, fully kitted with helmet, gloves and of course tight cycling pants. As I became more used to the handling of the bike, I obviously became braver by the minute. Coming down a slope somewhere in Victory Park I didn’t notice a very small but rather deep stream crossing the little footpath I came speeding down. The front wheel of my bike disappeared into stream causing my bike to flip in a very spectacular way. I came down on all fours landing on my bike, or my bike on top of me . .I can’t really remember because I spent minimal time on the ground, despite my injuries I got up so quickly to reduce the risk of someone noticing my ordeal. After getting up my biggest concern was the condition of my brand new bike, which was fortunately ok. My ego and legs are bruised but I’ll live . . .Thanks H for not laughing (in my face in anycase)

Welcome Ruben Gouws

It is a great privilege to announce that there was once again another boy added to the Gouws family. Mrs G is now not only the mother of 4 sons, but the grandmother of 4 grandsons. It seems like the Gouws family name is pretty strong at this stage, maybe this is just the beginning of greater things, who knows a super race might not be so far fetched. Congratulations to the proud parents Hennie & Carinne, may you still manage to sleep every now and then.

Another house, another housewarming

This past Saturday evening we eventually celebrated my relocation to Johannesburg. The dress code rule was to wear what someone of your current age would have worn in 1987. This produced a couple of interesting sights, but I have to say Marinda won by far. Here are a few incriminating pictures….

Black Eyed Peas

Another generous supplier gave me tickets to the Black Eyed Peas concert held at Nasrec. I couldn’t be rude and say no, so me and some friends went to check out the show. It turned out to be a spectacular show and I didn’t realize what a cool stage personality Fergie has. We boogied till late, and had to drive over a sidewalk to get out, but luckily we were driving a very capable rental car.

A night at the opera

Me and a couple of my culture vulture friends went to see the William Kentridge Magic Flute at the Civic in Johannesburg last week Thursday. I had some reservations as I tend to fall asleep in these kind of things. I was very impressed with the production, the décor and music was magnificent and the way the Kentridge art was displayed in a magical manner was mind boggling. I can definitely recommend that anyone with an interest in performing art make a plan to go and watch this show.

Avela & Till tie the knot

I was privileged to have witnessed the marriage of my dear friends Avela and Till this past weekend in the Eastern Cape. It was truly a memorable occasion and a very pleasant weekend followed the wedding festivities.

The weekend started of with a marathon drive from Joburg, leaving in peak hour traffic and only arriving in Port Alfred at 4am Saturday morning after running over one of Bambie’s little brother’s or sisters outside Grahamstown. At that point in time my love for nature was somewhat distorted so we didn’t even stop to view the damage, just pursued to our final destination.

The wedding started at 12pm Saturday already so there was not much time to catch up on lost sleep spent on the road, but arriving late at the wedding was actually not a problem as the specified 12pm was actually 12pm African time which means the ceremony started at about 13:30 I think which does make a difference when you only slept a few hours after a 1000km journey. Nonetheless the wait was worth it. Avela pitched up with her bridesmaids looking absolutely stunning, barefoot on the beach meeting her German prince charming dressed in a suit with his springbok sandals.

After the beautiful ceremony lots of pictures were taken and the festivities started and carried on late into the night. Unfortunately we had to leave a very energetic party to hit the road once again as we had a 4 hour drive to Kurland Estate our accommodation for the rest of the weekend just outside Plettenberg Bay.

Kurland turned out to be one of the most idyllic places the South African tourism industry has to offer. Picture an English Country Estate where the rich and famous come to watch and play polo and enjoy high tea. This is the closest you’ll get to that south of the equator. Playing chess and backgammon in front of a fireplace . . .ok I think I want to go back there . . .

The newly weds

Me and Wendy

Kurland Estate

Quads at Kurland

Parkhurst meets Pimville

I’ve always thought that I’m probably one of the most liberal Afrikaner boerseuns coming out of Pretoria, this past Saturday evening proved just that. About twenty of us whities decided to go out and see how the who’s who in Soweto do the social thing.

In a convoy of 6 vehicles (all expensive german brands of coarse) we departed Parkhurst and took to the streets of Soweto. With a few butterflies in the stomach we entered the unknown territory from the Florida side and took a scenic route through Dobsonville and a few other suburbs I cannot pronounce. I was pleasantly surprised to experience the warm welcome of the community whom was quite surprised to see the unfamiliar sight of a convoy of white yuppies driving through the streets of Soweto at night. After narrowly escaping a few accidents (as traffic rules are something foreign to this town), we eventually arrived at our venue The Backroom in Pimville.

At first it was very deserted but soon the party started to become alive. I don’t think I’ve ever seen so many Range Rover Sport’s in one location. Clearly the only thing that made us stand out was the colour of our skin our vehicles were rather ordinary in the parking lot.

We partied until the early hours of Sunday morning. Getting out was a bit more of a challenge than what we anticipated as we got stuck in a traffic jam of note when we tried to avoid a rather drunken crowd of a beach party in the area. In a matter of seconds we were completely stuck in a narrow street with a couple of thousand locals. Even this was no problem for our designated driver, a blonde white lady who got out of the luxury 4x4 she was driving in the middle of Soweto and directed traffic in the opposite direction in order for us to turn around and find an alternative route.

We got home at about 3am in one piece after a very exciting and successful evening.

Around the world in 60 hours

I do get some spur of the moment ideas once every now and again and then I don’t need much convincing to jump on a plane and fly halfway around the world for a weekend. This is exactly what I did this past weekend when I went to London. This short weekend was even reduced further when engine 3 of the Boeing 747 we were traveling in refused to start. This delayed us for 3 hours and 300 odd passengers had to wait in the plane without air-conditioning while a new starter motor was installed. Despite the delayed start the weekend was a great success.

I blew way too much money, mostly on clothes and shoes as if I have excess cupboard space in my new place. I managed to visit a few famous landmarks, and had a nice night out on the town in Soho on Saturday night. On Sunday shopping continued and finished off with a superb lunch at a restaurant on the banks of the Themes over looking Tower Bridge where I actually ate oysters (jip me the rys vleis en aartappel ou…..they say you must try everything at least once…ok so I tried one……thanks for trying H, sorry to disappoint you at least I kept it down)

So I had to leave London on Sunday night for Johannesburg, luckily I had sufficient sleeping pills to escape the clueless American’s conversation, that sat next to me on the plane on his way to SA for the first time. I woke up just before breakfast was served so it was a rather short flight.

Some proof that I did visit London UK and not just sat at home watching pirate copied TV series on my computer…..which I have done in the past….

Boot Camp 2007

Just to show you all I do work very hard for a living, sometimes even physical labour is involved. The past 3 days I attended the KFC SA Boot Camp. Some of you might wonder what Boot Camp entails in the restaurant industry. Well what I can tell you is that I don’t want to see chicken, smell chicken or most of all eat chicken for the next few months! I had to exchange my business attire for some more comfortable clothing, and they warned us to wear comfortable shoes for a reason. My soft office feet didn’t cope that well with standing the whole day, and my crooked back (from being a Pta-Jhb commuter) gave me the finger.

Nevertheless we had a lot of fun and learnt a lot along the way, I also have a lot more respect for our staff in store and appreciate every simple piece of chicken produced as I now know what effort goes into providing finger lickin good food for the nation. We finished off the event with an exquisite dinner at Cynthia’s in Brooklyn.

Here are a few exhibits to prove that I do roll up my sleeves once in a while and do some physical labour but after this week of hard work I decided I need a break so I’m flying to London tonight for a ridiculously extravagant weekend to spoil myself. See you on Monday.

New kid on the block

So today I am officially a Joburger. I am happy to say the move went rather well and was probably one of the more organized relocation projects I’ve been involved in. A special thanks to my good friend of 19 years Freaky who gave up his weekend to help me move. I’m also glad that he didn’t obtain any injuries in the process as was expected.

Being the party animal I am, I still managed to attend Zeurika’s 30th birthday bash which was a nice way to close off a day of hard physical labor. Not only did I mange to stay awake until midnight but also had a fantastic time and got more friendly as the night progressed! Two bottles of red wine and Riaan are to blame for that. The presence of the Porsche club got me in a pleasant mood from the word go when I arrived and saw 50 Porsches parked in front of the venue. Nevertheless the voluptuous sports cars didn’t succeed in taking the limelight away from the lady of the hour. Great party Z!

Sunday was once again filled with physical labor in order to tidy up my new abode. The day was successful, although I haven’t come up with a plan to get rid of my new neighbor’s Maltese poodles. There are two of them and they do a barking relay which means you hear barking without any pause because once the one’s little voice cords gets tired his little buddy takes over! Any ideas that won’t alarm the SPCA?

Die Groot Trek

And so the big day approaches. My move to the big bad city of Johannesburg will happen this coming Saturday. Although it is sad giving up residency in the capital, the benefits of staying 3 km from the office is enough reason to get over the sadness rather quickly. I introduced my boss to blogging yesterday which might be considered quite an unusual thing, but this only illustrates the relaxing culture I find myself in these days, quite a shift from my previous formal corporate environment.

The Lion King

One of the privileges of being the customer is that you are regularly invited to all kinds of social events, free of charge obviously. Some might consider this to be bribes, I see it as building relationships and getting back some of the money they actually make from you as a customer therefore I don’t see anything wrong with accepting these kind of invitations.

This past Saturday I was invited by a supplier to go and see The Lion King at the Monte Casino Theatro. I can honestly say, for a person not fond of musicals I thoroughly enjoyed the show. The music, costumes, décor and of course the cast was from the highest standards. I can really recommend the show for those who haven’t seen it. My favorite character was the hyena with the cape town accent.

So apart from having to make small talk with people trying to secure business I enjoyed the evening very much, unfortunately for Marinda most people attending the event thinks we are married.

Beat around the bush

And so all good things come to an end and I can definitely confirm that it was a good adventurous weekend. I had lots of sleep for a change, and came to contact with Mother Nature again. Even though I got some rest, there was never a dull moment. I actually lowered my bicycle from the roof of my garage where it has been hanging since I moved into my place, and took it with. This made a scenic off-road cycle through the breathtaking pine plantations in the hills between Hazyview and Graskop possible. This also ensured a proper workout!

We also checked the view from God’s Windows to see if everything is still fine, and indeed it is, except for the heartbreaking consequences of the recent forest fires in the area.

I entered the Kruger Park for the second time in my life (yes I’m a city slicker) which was a lot of fun but did provide some adrenaline along the way when we almost ran out of fuel on a very deserted dirt road between nowhere and Satara, at least we saw a Cheetah chase around some buck. We managed to reach the camp on the last fumes in the tank.

On our way back, traffic congestion due to road works at Belfast motivated us to take another adventure via a dirt road via Carolina and Hendrina which was also a first for me.

Just some footage from the weekend.

High speed car chase through the woods me hanging out the sunroof...

God's Window (sponsored by Windowlene)

The car that can run on fumes

...probably the reason why we ran out of fuel in the first place.......I have a heavy foot ok!

Untitled blog

It’s long weekend so all I can say is……Yabadabadoooooooo!

I’m sure I will have more to say after the weekend. Enjoy burning your bras girls, I’m sure I will enjoy my boys weekend!

Ekke leef nog

Good afternoon everyone, I was reprimanded last night by a regular reader regarding the fact that my blog is so out dated. My sincere apologies for the quietness. I’ve been extremely busy over the past couple of weeks both work related and off course socially and I just haven’t been able to focus on blogging. Mens sou dink ek het muisneste! But no, before anyone gets excited I didn’t go away to Las Vegas to elope, I was just otherwise occupied.

Anyways trust all is well in everyone’s lives, I’m currently in the full on process of planning my relocation to the big bad city of Johannesburg as my temporary stay in Parkhurst completely spoiled me, furthermore I’m in a competition in the quest to transform into a Menshealth cover model (I still have some work to do) and then I hear the rumors of another triathlon coming up so I spend quite a lot of time in the gym!

As the rest of the country I’m also looking forward to the upcoming public holiday (woman’s day) and seeing that its only for women to celebrate I will be going away on an all boys long weekend, you girls enjoy!

Fun and Games

Ok so where did the weekend go? Although I had a nice and relaxing weekend it once again flung past. My board games evening was a total flop seeing that it was only me and Dawie that pitched and we kind of concluded that we must be the only losers not busy on a Saturday night. Nevertheless we had a nice evening although I think Dawie got culture shock from the art films I tried to entertain him with. I forgot he is more the skop skiet en donner type.

Lets take this blue bul Monday by the horns and get it over and done with.

Computer problems lead to petrol problems

Don’t worry this is not another ranting and raving blog about car trouble, although it involves trouble related to my vehicle. My car was in for a service on Saturday, yes it was time again as I spend half my life on the road. I was rather surprised that the mechanics working on the car managed to get the onboard computer confused by cleaning an injection fuel filter. The way I discovered this was when I was on my way to Johannesburg that afternoon, and although the petrol light was on, the computer reassured me that I still had 90km of sheer driving pleasure on the tank. Oh boy was that the wrong information.

As I approached Marlboro on the M1 South my car nose-dived in the fast lane where I spend most my time. I quickly had to divert to the Toyota lane on the far left hand side and then disembarked the highway via the Marlboro off ramp. As I came to a standstill at the traffic light with piles of cars behind me, that was it, fuel was no longer present in the tank! So I did what any minibus taxi driver would have done, switched on my hazards and remained stationary. Luckily two opportunists prowling the area noticed my predicament and offered to push my car to the side of this doggy off ramp, close to where they regularly make fire to warm and light up the night. Off course I was too happy to pay the two men that came to my rescue, and they even offered to go buy me petrol if I were to give them money which I didn’t fall for as I grew up in Gauteng and that would just be idiotic.

So I took a walk to the nearest petrol station about two km’s away dressed in my gym attire, fortunately I was wearing comfortable shoes. After begging the petrol consultant for a bottle he first filled up the bottle to my disappointment with leaded petrol, now if I consider what two drops of the wrong power steering oil did to my car (R9K mistake) I wasn’t prepared to take any chances with leaded petrol on an empty tank of a car that is very pedantic about what it uses. So I decided to do my good deed of the day and gave 5 liters of petrol to the driver of the first old car that came driving into the petrol station. I think I made a friend there although the bastard didn’t even offer to take me back to my car. So after another R35, I finally had my 5 liters on unleaded petrol and I was on my way back to my car.

As I approached the area things started reminding me of crime scenes on TV. I was getting shivers down my spine. It felt like people looked at me like I was easy pray, probably because of the wallet I was carrying in my gym shorts pocket. As one’s imagination goes on a rampage one start to make emergency plans. Those of you who have seen my new cell phone would understand that it is possible to hide it on the side of one’s shoe just as a backup if you need to call the cops after you’ve been robbed from your wallet, watch, car etc. Luckily that wasn’t necessary.

As I arrived back at my car, all four wheels were still attached as the two opportunist looked after my car for me, and then they also insisted on helping me pour the petrol into my car as if I couldn’t manage that myself but at the time I didn’t feel too comfortable to resist. After thanking them politely I jumped into my car and locked the doors, they looked disappointed about not getting more money for their good deed, it’s not that I didn’t appreciate the help or not being willing to tip them again, I was just not comfortable producing my wallet in this particular public environment.

My car’s petrol light went on this morning again!

To whom it may concern

Dear Extended Family Members

Yes I am 27 years old unmarried and happy. Please don’t ask me when I’m getting married or getting a girlfriend ever again. The fact that I don’t have a ring on my finger doesn’t necessarily mean I’m the black sheep of the family, or that I’m not capable of satisfying a woman or that there is something else seriously wrong with me. Please take a look around you, it’s the 21st century, not all people allow society to force them in front of the alter anymore yes it still happens, that might be directly related to the high divorce rate.

So please don’t try and help me find the “perfect” woman, looking at some of your track records I think I have a better chance of finding the perfect partner myself, I’m not crying myself to sleep at night as yet if the picture changes (don’t hold your breath) I’ll shout for help. But for the time being I’m HAPPY, capich?

Yours sincerely

Julius (the youngest unmarried one...)

I'm still alive

My apologies for the lack of blog postings over the past few days. My new position is cutting in on my blog time. Nevertheless I’m still enjoying my new environment. I never could have imagined the kind of logistical nightmares that are associated with putting healthy protein filled meals on the table of the South African population. If any of you have any connections in the dairy industry, please let me know urgently, if you have milk, make your price, money is no object at this stage.

Over the past week I was privileged to have met the avocado tycoons of our day, people with a passion for avo, as well as visiting the factory of the spice moguls of South Africa, my sinuses finally returned to normal this morning. I also visited the lettuce magnates last weeks where 24 tons of lettuce is produced daily, yes you read correctly 24 tons of paper light lettuce! I was shocked not only by the volumes of lettuce (weighed by hand every day) but also by the fact that I was so over dressed for the occasion that my shoes will never be the same again! Remember I grew up as an Android in the infant stages of my career. So now the pair of safety shoes I received on my second day makes more sense.

Tasting new products is not that fun anymore, at least I don’t have to worry about lunch anymore, but this might interfere with my gym program.

Movie weekend

And a very good Monday morning to you all. This weekend was once again just a rumor in the back of my mind as it flung past like a swooped up Honda Civic on the East Rand. I did spend some time in the cinema over the past few days, so here is a quick recap.

Me and Dawie went to see Hostel 2 on Saturday. The movie was filled with senseless brutality which caused me to sit with my eyes closed most of the time. I didn’t get anything out of the movie. I would be really worried about anyone who enjoyed this movie. The special effects was very well done, seeing that the scenes were very realistic. I score the movie a 3.

On Sunday, Freaky and I went to see the fourth Die Hard movie. I suppose it wasn't all that bad, a bit far fetched if you ask me. But will someone just please kill John McClean!

My predicament

As most of you know by now, I get up before the crack of dawn on weekdays in order to ploy my way around peak hour traffic to Johannesburg. I went to gym, close to my office as I do most of the time. On my arrival this morning at the Fourways VA I realized I left all my toiletries at home! Now picture me, unshaven, with a cap on my head to disguise the absolute pandemonium on my head when I opened my bag to find a rather empty space!

So today I’m sitting at work with the day before yesterday’s five o’clock shadow and I had to improvise with my hair. Just a tip, hand soap can be substituted for hair gel if you use it sparingly, and don’t rub it, it will make foam! Thank goodness I discovered some deodorant in my car, because that one was a difficult one to substitute!

Shortbus

I manage to find myself in the Cinema Nouveau often these days. The most recent was to go and see what the controversial movie Shortbus is all about. The choice of movie for the night had absolutely nothing to do with the fact that real porn stars play the lead roles in the film. In fact I was rather shocked to see the uncensored nudity in the film, of course things I’m not used to. I think the film had a very low budget for costumes as the actors were naked most of the time.

Apparently the film is very deep. I must be rather shallow then as the storyline didn’t have much substance in my opinion. I acknowledge the fact that all the character had psychological issues, none of which came to a satisfactory conclusion. The only conclusion I could make is that the director tried to justify bigamy in some weird way.

The films scores a 6 ...........at least I stayed awake.....I wonder why.

Day 1

And so my first day came, and is almost gone already. I met so many people this morning of which I can’t even remember half of their names. I was scared half to death when I opened my outlook for the first time this morning containing 141 unread emails, with a full calendar. Nevertheless I was expecting a challenge, and no doubt I will be faced with plenty of that. I have a meeting with someone now, I don’t know with whom or what it’s about…….

My final curtain call

Tomorrow will be my last day as an employee of Barloworld Optimus which is most definitely going to be a sad day in my life therefore I’ve decided to work on my goodbye message on the blog today already as tomorrow will be a busy day with one farewell function after the other, movie premiers and after parties.

I thought long and hard about what I want to say in this post as this is actually a very emotional event as I don’t just leave behind colleagues, but rather a bunch of friends. This does make it slightly easier considering the fact that this is most definitely not good bye, as you will see and hear from me regularly, and those who have come to know me well would know that you don’t get rid of me that easily.

As I look back over the past year and a half, a lot has changed since I joined the team. The faces around my desk has changed, some people moved on, others joined the party, but at all times I felt like I was part of a family. We worked hard late nights together and we played hard late nights together, memories I will always cherish. I enjoyed working with you all, and I learnt so much from each of you. I would however like to point out a few individuals whom I feel deserve a special thanks.

I want to start of with Dawie, we come a long way, longer than anyone else at IO. Since varsity you’ve always been the life of a party. We became good friends in the process and this must continue in future. We will continue to boogie until early Sunday mornings in Boston T and the likes. These are time , like the occasions in Cape Town I will always remember.

Little Johnny, better known as John T Nelson. When you first joined 1 May 2006 I never imagined you to be the person you are. I can honestly say you are one of the most fascinating people I got to know. Your sense of humor is exceptional and I always enjoy the latest trick up your sleeve. We must definitely keep the existence of Team Rock, Paper and Scissors, as well as team Firebird alive, and I sincerely hope that we will remain good friends after my departure from behind your chair.

Harry, officially known as Gerhardus. Considering the short time we’ve known each other I thing we became very good friends, and therefore I’m confident that we will remain friends in future. Good luck with all the clients you took over from me, I know they are in good hands, oh ja and now at last you can have my pc although I don’t know if you really want it. Staan sterk bloubul!

Riaan, getting up at 5am in the morning and arriving at the office at 6am was made easy by the fact that I was not the only one, oh ja and then you moved to Jhb, verraaier!! You were always on my speed dial for whenever I needed assistance and you were always more than willing to help. We also became very good friends over the thousands of cups of coffee we drank over the past year and a half. Do keep in touch even if you abandon ship by immigrating to the kangaroo country.

Zeurika, we endured a lot together on the project, and through the suffering became very good friends. Even though we sometimes had a lot to cry about, we always managed to laugh about it. I know I leave my project in very good hands and I know you will reach those targets.

If I carry one naming special people by the name, I will sit here typing until I’m no longer employed. To the whole team, I had the time of my life and I walk away with a tear in my eye but with a lot of knowledge and a dozen of friends.

Barloworld Optimus I greet you.

Blogging at 30000 ft

So I leave Cape Town behind with a slight feeling of sadness, but I’m pretty sure I will be back in the not too distant future. It is starting to feel like a second home these days. This particular trip was supposed to have been a peaceful relaxing long weekend. Something went completely wrong along the way and it turned out to be one jol from beginning to end with very little sleep. I didn’t even have much time for blogging (except during certain sleepless nights) that’s why I’m trying the newest thing called “airborne blogging”. If I make spelling mistakes please excuse as we are experiencing some turbulence over the Karoo at the moment.

I would like to take this public opportunity to thank my Cape Town buddies for a great time, especially Heinrich for always having your door open for me to come down and sponge on your hospitality. Unfortunately this past weekend was not the last.

Think Pink

People knowing me well would know that it’s not the best of ideas to dare me, therefore the traffic cone in my possession amongst other things. The latest dare was that I would join my Cape Town friends for a night out on the town with a difference, something that I believe only Cape Town offer at this stage, and then part of the dare was to write all about the experience on Clueless Conclusions. So I took up the dare.

I’m not even a “Lang Arm” kind of person myself, but I was a special guest at the local GAT party in Milnerton on Saturday night. I think for the general reader population I will have to explain exactly what a GAT party entails (I’m still curious what the acronym “GAT” stand for.....I think I shouldn’t leave it up to my imagination as that might be dangerous).

Picture a real skool sokkie, school hall, steel tables with plastic chairs, bar etc. The thing that makes this party slightly different from your normal mandjie dans is the fact that the majority of the guests are gay. I was slightly sceptical at first as this is something new to me. I soon realised that this is actually quite a normal state of affair, except for a few interesting characters looming around, and one just need to look very carefully to determine the sex of some of the individuals, some of whom I still don’t know as I’m sure you will have to feel to determine the verdict, but in general you can go by : Check Shirt = Lesbian and the rest are most probably male.

I was very surprised that Smokey, BZN, Sonja Herold, Carike Keuzenkamp, Kurt Daren and Ridiculous Louwe featured on the playlist. Coming from Pretoria this made me feel more at home. This is something I can honestly say I enjoyed even though my but was pinched dozens of times throughout the evening. We left at about 2am and the party was still going strong.

So there Hannes, I wrote it on my blog, now it’s my turn to dare........don’t give those pink cuffs away too quickly I have a few ideas.......

No conclusion found

I know the title of this blog says “clueless conclusions” yet there are quite a few things I haven’t been able to find answers for

It boggles my mind that it happened to me once again that I’m on holiday and still can’t sleep at 2 am in the morning got up and wrote this blog. I don’t know what it is that chases me, but I’m starting to think I might be going slightly mad.

I don’t know if my evening out on the town have anything to do with my lack of ability to sleep, I had dinner at very nice restaurant followed by night caps at Planet Bar at the Mount Nelson Hotel. Maybe my unconscious mind is trying to calculate the amount that I spend today in which case I hope my unconscious mind keep it to himself as I really don’t want to know.

Tomorrow we are taking on some wine farms which spells trouble for a slightly hung-over/sleep deprivated me.

Two things that I can conclude is that I do hate Windows Vista, if the system is suppose to think for you, can we just please get an intelligent mind! The other thing is that I’m glad that I only have to sit up with incompetent, lazy, son’s of bitches working in IT departments responsible for providing Inventory Management Systems with download and upload files for 4 more days, then I couldn’t give a sh!t.

Ok now the blog is done, lets see what’s on TV............

'n Kaapse Groete

Greetings from a sunny Cape Town. The absence of clouds, wind and mini bus taxis are a welcome change to the freezing rat race of Johannesburg this time of year. After several delays at OR Thambo I finally arrived in the mother city. I realised yesterday that assumptions is something you should really stay away from. Don’t ever assume the bus driver, driving passengers to an awaiting plane always knows the location of the plane. We, the passengers of flight SA 359, had a grand tour of OR Thambo’s technical workshops, scrap yards, cargo section, fuel tanks and runways on our search to find the plane to fly us to Cape Town. We finally found it on the other side of the airport after the driver stopped and asked for directions. At this particular time I was less amused.

But I’m on holiday and nothing can ruin my mood. I had breakfast with a friend, and another breakfast with another friend now I’m having lunch by myself for a change as I don’t know how many dinners I’m going to have later on. The beach was great today, and if you were wondering Camps Bay is still standing.

Until next time,

Untitled blog

Yesterday was not a good day at all I spent 3.5 hours in traffic, shouted at MTN 5 times and chased a broker/salesman out of my house just after I considered hitting him in the face. Today started off better although one month-end batch already fell over and it's cold. Have a great day.....

3Gouws

Ok so I finally joined the proper wireless era and hooked myself up with 3G for my new laptop. I don’t know if you would understand what an issue the acquisition of a laptop was for me. Luckily I could rely on my uncle in the IT business for assistance, but I don’t think Freaky appreciated my answer to the question “What am I looking for?” when I replied I want a pretty laptop! But at the end of the day I got an esthetically acceptable pc and I think the inside (brains) are also sufficient.

Alumni reunion

Good morning everyone, isn’t it a great day? Probably not because it’s a Monday and it suck usually! And so the who’s who of the Accenture Alumni reunited on Saturday night at Melrose Arch. It was great to see you all there, a pity we missed a few soles around the table but nevertheless it was a successful evening. Here are some memories from the evening.

Perfume

This movie was just weird!

It scores a 6.

Blades of Glory

I haven’t done movie reviews for a while, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t been to the movies, first up on the menu is Blades of Glory. Well what can I say, I didn’t expect anything of the movie because Will Ferrell is not known for the best of intellectual stimulation, and the movie proved just that. Nevertheless I must say the director managed to keep me and Marinda laughing throughout the movie. So if you are in the mood for a no brainer movie that will make you laugh, consider Blades of Glory.

The movie scores a 3 and that’s just because it’s funny.

I got squashed

I was completely demolished on the squash court last night by two people I thought were my friends! I lost both my games 9-0 in a matter of seconds. But I’m not someone that carries grudges so John and Harry don’t worry I realize that one has to accept one’s weaker points and squash is definitely one of mine! I can say I was impressed!

Strike it lucky

I heard on the news yesterday that the municipal workers union will be going on strike in sympathy with the government department employees, already on strike for the past week and a half. This is very thoughtful of them don’t you think? Why don’t we all go on strike with sympathy of the people living in Boksburg who are currently without electricity! Or can I ask for a sympathy strike by the Vroue Landbou Unie for our current water problems in Pretoria East!

Everyday I wonder more and more is this the African Dream we are living, and that we are going to wakeup one of these days and realize that there is a reality that make sense? Wouldn’t that be great if all of this was just a bad dream and that people can start acting like grownups and take responsibility for their actions and not resort to mass action when they are unhappy about something! It would also be great if the former regime as an escape goat, for anything that goes wrong, would disappear off the face of the earth!

So lets all get back to work, (ok not me I’ve resigned and is planning a holiday) but the rest of you get back to work…..just kidding, ek is ‘n mier en ek is besig ek is baie baie besig…..

It's rather blue.....

Good morning you will realize that this is not a lengthy blog, the reason for that is that I feel a bit under the weather today, and the day just started off on a bad foot. My plans to start the week with a workout in the gym this morning was shattered when I woke up and realized something must have ran me over in my sleep. Opening the tap in my bathroom was a bad idea as the water was off during the night again, which resulted in spraying me and the whole bathroom with ice cold water, at least that woke me up! Arriving at work I couldn’t find my access tag, and at 6am the office is rather deserted so it took me quite some time to get into the building and escape the cold.

So yes I’m ranting and raving again as some of my readers call it, but I think I have enough reason.

O boere plaas......

As I’ve mentioned before, I think I must have been a farmer in my former life purely because of the fact that all the agricultural clients of my current employer came my way. This weekend I’m taking it a step further into the practical side of things and I think the picture below explain exactly in what idyllic environment I will be spending my weekend. If I’m not back in the office on Monday, who can blame me and it is not as if they can fire me……I already quit. Enjoy the weekend I’m sure I will.

30 Days and counting.......

And so the fat lady sang……it’s all over. I’ve handed in my lunchbox and started to countdown the days. I would like to take this opportunity to apologize to the die hard Optimus members staying behind (or staying for the time being in any case) for abandoning ship especially with the rough waters ahead. It is time for me to move on, but this is definitely not goodbye. Those who have come to know me will know that once I bite I don’t let go easily so you will have to shoot me to really get rid of me. I’m sure we will fit in a few proper social events before I give up my parking space and relocate my employment environment, socializing will definitely be ongoing for some time to come.

Before I start to become soppy I evidently came to a very important conclusion: Why did the chicken cross the road?……..because it’s “Yummy” and KFC was on the same side where the grass is greener. With time to come you will all realize the underlying meaning of this riddle…..

Clueless Conclusions: #5

After spending 3 hours on the road this morning, no I’m not on vacation I simply came to work, I finally arrived at the office at 10h00. If this didn’t make up my mind to put my house on the market and move to Johannesburg nothing will. This doesn’t mean I will become a Lions supporter at all.

I haven’t blogged for a few days for a number of reasons, the main reason being that I’ve been preoccupied with all kinds of matters therefore struggled to gather my thoughts to put pen to paper (or rather fingers to keyboard). Subsequently I’ve managed to capture all my piglets again and that calls for today’s blog with a few conclusions.

• People with self-esteem issues will try to convince you that they are smarter than you and try and look intelligent by turning a test page with a noise so that you have to take note that they are actually ahead of you, not recognizing the fact that they might answer incorrectly in the process of sprinting through the test just to finish before you so that they can put down their pencils hard and steady to attract even more attention to them, only to try and find justification for them studying accounting instead of engineering.
• I realized that John (otherwise known as Gideon……I work with the strangest people) likes to live on the dangerous side of life by messing with other guy’s girlfriends and deliberately “forgetting” to prepare management reports.
• Gideon also proved that you can obtain second degree burns from a binding machine. Well now at least you’ve got an excuse for not doing management reports.
• I realized that Gerhardus’s car is so dirty because he didn’t realize it was filthy purely because he can’t see that well.
• The person making the jokes that can be classified as being under the belt is actually my boss.
• Weather like this is perfect stay in bed weather, staying in bed alone is just sad.......

How Smart is this?

Gerhardus and I had to visit one of our remote clients the other day in a small town called Randfontein on the far outskirts of Gauteng previously known as Wes Transvaal. If you’ve never been there, good for you, don’t bother to go there as there is absolutely nothing you are missing unless you are interested in studying the phenomenon of inbreeding. One thing that we saw and found quite amusing was the local London Pie’s mobile unit. I thought this to be a rather smart invention…..

Ironically the slogan for the neighboring town Western Area reads “Western Area The Town of Choice” ……..the residence obviously didn’t make an informed choice…..

Clueless Conclusion #4

My mind went on a rampage again like it sometimes does and I came to another few conclusions:

• One can get tennis elbows from playing squash.
• I found a solution to the predicament that the swimming pool’s water dries ones skin…….bubble bath in the pool duh!
• I realized that I don’t just dislike Jurie Els’s music, I hate it!
• If someone is called “Kabous” instead of the proper Kobus/Cobus, watch him closely, he is most probably trying to con you or busy stealing from you, another sign is his eyes are too far apart.
• I realized that it is not the norm on the East Rand to stop wearing clothes if you’ve grown 5 sizes!….I suppose there is nothing wrong with a white belly hanging out underneath your jersey! Gister se jean en vandag se boudjies!
• I realized that Mooikloof Ridge will most probably never ever have normal water supply ever again.
• I don’t like Pirates of the Caribbean.
• I realized Freaky can actually become angry!
  

Pirates of the Caribbean At Worlds End

I was in the unfortunate position to go and watch the third movie in the series of films about Captain Jack Sparrow and his crew this past Sunday. With my luck I was seated next to ‘n man three times my size who continuously leaned back to throw popcorn into his oral cavity tipping my chair to the back every time. This made sleeping quite difficult and therefore explains that fact that I was only able to sleep 1 of the 3 hour movie. The only positive about the movie is Keira Knightly’s flawless beauty, she managed to remain clean throughout the movie without a scratch, she reminded me of Hunter Tylo in a Lux advert ….”because she’s worth it”. To my delight I was informed that this was the last in the series films so I will never have to endure this again.

Score…….ag do me a favour…….

Back in the saddle

Good day my faithful readers, this is a lovely day indeed! The question might arise why am I in such a good mood for a change, and the answer to that is obvious. I fetched my car this morning! I went to the workshop with the expectancy of paying the R11000 that I had sleepless nights about. As I walked into the office ready to kick-up a fight as I sometimes do I realized that none of the personnel could look me in the eye, therefore I asked for the invoices and was pleasantly surprised that the price has miraculously come down by R2000 only because they miss judged me for a young naïve pushover, instead of the hardegat bliksem that I sometimes transform into when people try and take me for a ride without a saddle.

So I’m back in the saddle of the BMW, I just got used to the khaki clothes and the rooi velskoene of my mystic boer image. I must say I erase everything I said about selling the Beemer, there is no fucking way…….sheer driving pleasure (WITH power steering I might add).

Riaan verjaar

On Friday we all celebrated Riaan’s birthday the old fashioned way, and I mean really old fashioned way! We all traveled back in time to the middle ages for a party at Greensleeves that will be remembered for some time to come. It was the good old days when women was still lower than the value of the rand, and eating like savages (no pun intended Zeurika) and banging on the table with sticks was still acceptable.

For those who bargained to see me in tights, sorry to disappoint, I went for a alternative peasant outfit. Congratulations to Lord Harry Fartalot who has become Earl Harry Fartalot on Friday night. Just don’t get any ideas, this doesn’t mean you call the shots at work now as well.

Here are a few memoirs captured on film:

The man of the hour

John & me (we didn't have dates therefore we had to feed each other)

me and Flavio.. or is it Tony? I don't know anymore but I'm sure I saw him in Mr Bean's Holiday

me and Zeurika (the Savage)

Dawie, me and Lord Fartalot

Mystic Boer

For a while now I was wondering why I’m the lucky consultant getting all the agricultural clients of Optimus! I think it might have to do with the fact that Afrikaans is my first language. Today I’m driving my brother’s bakkie, after an unfortunate occurrance involving my BMW, and I must say I feel right at home in it, I think later on I might just go visit Agrinet for the fun of it……..

Winter Wonderland

I want to start off by saying brrrrrrr! As you know part of our jobs consist of working on projects at various clients around the country. Some of my colleagues get to go to idyllic places like Cape Town, PE, Dubai, London, Chicago etc. I’m in the fortunate position to run a project in the East, with that I don’t mean the East as in Asia but the East as in East Rand.

I don’t know why that is, maybe because I have an Eastern passport and I’m streetwise, but it’s not as if I drive a swooped up car or have a mullet on my head. So what I’m actually trying to get at is, this morning on my journey from Pretoria to the far East Rand to a place called Wadeville (otherwise known as Hellhole), I drive via Bapsfontein, Petit, Benoni, Brakpan and Boksburg. My car informed me this morning that the temperature outside between Bapsfontein and Petit was a mere -5’C and I have the picture to prove it.

The office we reside in at the client is inside a warehouse with roll-up doors on both sides that gives the wind free-flow access through the building, so please appreciate the effort put into this blog as my fingers are completely rigid at the moment.

Blue Bulls = 2007 Super 14 Champs

Deepest sympathy to the rest of South Africa that shouted against the Bulls on Saturday, once again it was proven which team is the best.

Talladega Nights was at night…….this was day!!!

Team Firebird walked up to the challenge to face four other professional kart teams at Kyalami race way on Saturday 19 May 2007. After observing the competition’s trailers, matching race suits and personal helmets, we soon realised we were probably the underdogs of the event. Nevertheless we pretended not to be scared and took up the challenge like men, even though we had a female member in our team which I might add has got more guts than most male rugby players playing for Non-Blue Bull rugby teams.

Ricardo (Alonso) started off our race with courage and kept our name high, followed by Nadine (Orange Lightning) who occasionally decided to take some traffic cones home, then it was Gerhardus (Habana Schumacher) who managed to write off our first kart in a spectacular way, on a good lap I might add, fortunately no-one was hurt. Then it was me (the one who made Herbie go bananas) I managed to perfect the art of kicking up some dust by spinning off into the barrier of tyres without obtaining whip-lash! After me was John T (Mansell) who setup our best lap time of 52 seconds by consistently flying around the track.

It is amazing that 85km/h in a small vehicle like a kart can feel much-much faster when you are sitting a few millimetres from the tar I must say that Team Firebird did exceptionally well considering this is not our day jobs unlike our opposition, who was very serious about the event, we still managed to end the four hour race only 30 laps behind the winning team.

Meet the people behind Team Firebird:

John, Me, Ricky, Nadine & Gerhardus

The karts

The track

John trying to catch a ride

I think you should wear that to work Harry

THE HILLS STILL HAVE EYES

Me and Freaky went to see The Hills Have Eyes 2 on Saturday. Just like the first movie, the sequel was also filled with numerous disturbing and gruesome scenes. The story line, like most sequels, failed to carry over the suspense of the first movie. At this stage you know who the mutant population responsible for the brutal killings is. Furthermore the director try and make the viewer believe it is based on a true story which I very much doubt unless it was shot on a remote farm in the Delmas district.

The Hills have Eyes 2 scores a 4.

Team Firebird - fired-up!

While the rest of the country have rugby fever the BW Optimus adrenaline junkies will be taking on the race track this weekend as Team Firebird (Optimus go-kart team). We are aiming for a podium position if some team members, who knows exactly who they are, manage not to drive into anything, but the main idea is to have as much fun as the Kyalami racetrack offer. Full details will be available on Monday same place same time.