Breaking News!

Hi everyone, happy Friday! Breaking news is that someone finally heard our (residence of Mooikloof Ridge) desperate call. The local news paper in Pretoria sowed some interest in the suffering and gave the whole front page of this week’s edition to the current situation.

As you can see it’s not just me complaining about the situation, the people marching with their little buckets seem to have also had it..

• The woman on the left have to wash her baby’s bottles with water from a mobile tanker after she works 12 hour shifts and her husband is just die moer in.
• The guy on the right washes his dishes with sparkling water.
• I think the guy in the blue doesn’t really live there, I think it’s the journalist who wrote the article that just filled up the picture.
• The other guy I’ve seen around but he scares me!
• I’ve taken the liberty of adding a picture of the children in my complex which are not allowed to attend school anymore because they are smelly! Picture below.

Luckily it's school holidays now so that the little munchkins won't fall behind too much......

Boete-Bessie-Briekdance!

Technology has come to play a huge part in our everyday lives. That is all good and well but there is one particular facet where it doesn’t work in my favor at all. I’m talking about the fact that the Johannesburg Traffic Department have also evolved into a more technologically advanced institution and is now quite diligent in keeping you accountable for any ludicrous outstanding traffic offences.

Last week, in a moment of pure courage, I sms’d my id number to that service where you receive a return sms stating the amount of outstanding fines on your name. I was shocked to the bone to discover that for some bizarre reason my car has been moving around Gauteng above the speed limit over the past six months and that there are a few outstanding tickets waiting for payment. I realized that there might be a correlation between this sms and the fact that my car’s glove compartment closes with effort these days

My first plan was to pretend I work in the IT department and just ignore the problem and expect it to go away by itself, but then I was informed last night that these days the traffic department prevent you from renewing your vehicles license if there are any outstanding fines on it. There goes plan A.

Plan B was to practice my “sorry face” and go and ask for forgiveness at the magistrate but then I figured that with one fine I might have managed to get away with an Egoli performance especially if I manage to shed a tear as well, but with six fines for speeding and one for talking on a cell phone I might struggle to convince a magistrate that I am the victim in this whole story.

So plan C is to face the music, I suppose I have to just find the courage and go to the Sandton Traffic Department with my cheque book and ask the sweet lady to ring it all up and get it over with. Therefore I’m starting a fundraiser as from today, so for my colleagues the piggy bank on my desk is for any loose change….. and I need lots of it to get to R1700+ . . . .

Politics- Wie is die grootste brilpadda in die dam

The other day I updated my profile on Facebook, a nifty site I might add, for those who don’t know it you should check it out, but that’s beside the point, while updating my profile I was faced with the question of what my political views are. The best answer I could come up with was to refer them to my blog so that they can find out for themselves.

I don’t really think my view falls within a category as such, I think most of my acquaintances will agree that I’m probably one of the most open minded, liberal afrikaner boer seuns you will find in Pretoria. Nevertheless I do have my moments where I get aggravated with the governing bodies (or is it corpses) of the day. As you can see my week is not going too well considering yesterday’s blog as well….

Ek weet ek klink nou al soos ‘n druppende kraan, maar in Mooikloof Ridge drup nog geen kraan nie!! I’ve taken the liberty to phone our local governing municipality yesterday to try and squeeze an answer out of the Director of Water Supply a certain Mr Ntoampetha Thobela or something like that. To my disappointment he was not available so I ended up speaking to his head of the “Cival EnjAneeering DepAtment”. After blowing off a bit of my pressurized steam he informed me that “e-Booster pump cannot be installed just on the rocks!“ I mean what the f…….!!!! Apparently that’s why it could take up to another two weeks to be installed after they have known about the problem for the last month. I asked for written confirmation that the pump will be installed within the next two weeks which totally confused this “enjaneer” so I just decided to greet and say good bye.

Van die os op die jas someone asked me the other day why I haven’t said anything on my blog regarding an article in Raport two weeks ago who stated that our President accused the white population of being responsible for the crime situation in the country. With out a doubt I rubbished that as there can not be any basis for that what so ever, but I do want to remind my devoted readers that if something is written in black on white does not necessarily represent the truth.(I refer you to Clueless Conclusion #1) and that certain news papers aim to create artificial sensation just to boost sales. If our president did indeed made that statement he could as well have been working for Kungwini Municipality as a Cival Enjaneer or running one of our neighboring countries!

Tranquility at its best

I’m sitting here in the middle of the night waiting for yet another Optimiza National Consolidation to run on my laptop (the super-duper fast one). The infomercials on TV has failed to keep me amused, there is still no water in Kungwini Municipality so I can’t wash my dishes, I can’t shower, I can’t do much except writing my next blog which is kind of risky to do at this stage as the process running in the background of my pc might crash while I type as it has so many times before but at the moment I have reached the pinnacle of boredom and excessive frustration that I’m willing to take the chance.

With this state of mind I’m planning my day ahead which has already begun an hour ago. I have to swindle my way around peak hour traffic in order to reach the office at a reasonable hour to start another few Optimiza processes to run to completion in time for me to do some analysis before I face the client at 2pm to break the news on what the real picture on the national inventory health looks like for a Trucking company facing a few challenges.

Apart from my work related tasks I have to deal with a few other things as well. I’m working on a plan to mobilize our community to stand up against the current gross human rights violations forced upon us as residents of Mooikloof Ridge by keeping us from our right to fresh water, for which we pay! I think being patient for a month is far more than what is expected of anyone. If any of my devoted readers could supply me with contacts at any of the following media institutions I will be very grateful. e-TV, Pretoria News, Beeld, Carte Blanche, CNN, BBC, The Oprah Winfrey Show, Jerry Springer, Dr Phil or just anyone willing to listen!

By the way, the process just crashed in the background F#@%^&%!………………

It’s now an hour later and I’ve managed to assemble my pc again after manhandling it a bit. I’m going to sleep now f#ck this!

em quad moto nombre

And so the city slickers went off road this past weekend for some adventure sport and fun in the sun with four wheelers in Pretoria north. As you can see from the pictures it doesn’t sit in anyone’s pants to face the off road challenges offered by the course, I supposed that is why only the bravest pitched for the event.

Geared up and ready to go (still clean)

Pure bravery

The boys

Me and my friend for the day

You go girl!

Some dirty pictures (identikits)

I think apart from having a huge amount of fun on the day we did learn a thing or two if you think about it.

• Personally I learned that if you drive a quad at an excessive speed and then pull the left front brake (the only working one) you suddenly leave your buddies behind and go off course into the bushes.
• I’m sure Ronel will know next time how to start a bike by herself in the middle of a river.
• John will definitely remember next time to secure his quad after parking on a down hill and getting off it to go and check the other crazy people speeding up the slope while his quad is running away by itself. (I wish I had a video clip of you running after it , I’m sure it would have been a hit on America’s Funniest Home Videos)
• Hopefully Dawie will behave next time so that the guide doesn’t have to have constant words with him.
• Frikkie please don’t break anything next time!
• Gerhardus I only realized later your real intentions behind the fact that you constantly offered to lift Charize……. She would have had to hold on very tightly onto you hey? mmm…;-)
• I also realized that people will try to intimidate you if they are taller than you and have scares on their face and put their hands on their hips. Don’t stand for that it will just get in the way of a fun day, I didn’t so that’s why we still managed to have fun.

A special thanks to everyone attending the event, it was great fun and definitely set the standard for future get together’s. I hear the new thing is to go train surfing, maybe we can go and do that next time…..

Movie review: Screenplay ...Screamplay!

The other day the “fliek vlooi” within me encouraged me to go to the movies for a change. Once we (me and Gwen) arrived at the ticket counter I soon realized I haven’t heard anything good from any of the movies on circuit, so the decision was quite difficult to make. I figured that the best bet would be to go for a movie with well known/good actors in the rolls.

We ended up buying tickets for The Good Sheppard. I think using the word “good” in the title of this particular movie is quite ironic. Unfortunately not even the presence of Angelina Jolie could grip my attention. Matt Damon tried his best to give an Oscar performance but I think the screenplay was beneath him and I wonder if Robert de Nero and Alec Baldwin are hard-up for money these days if they associate themselves with such rubbish.

Seeing that the movie itself did not provide me with much entertainment I suppose I cannot complain about the audience though. Of course upon entry there was someone sitting on our spot, which is a no go for Gwen subsequently he was chased away at once. The girl (bak vissie) sitting two seats from me to the right had the highest pitch of an irritating laugh I have heard in a long time, and she found the Vodacom meerkat to be extremely funny! On the other side we had a very talented family, they managed to smuggle a cooler box into the cinema filled with alcoholic refreshments. As a result of their thirst, and I suppose the excitement of the movie, the gentleman next to us (the head of this family) started to lean over as he passed out, but amazingly he managed to keep his brandy and coke in his plastic glass.

Needless to say we walked out after about 45 minutes to retain our sanity………So The Good Sheppard score an enthusiastic 2 out of 10. I will definitely not recommend this movie to anyone with suicidal thoughts.

My encounter with orca

………suddenly the lights dimmed! I could feel the vibration in the water of the pool as the tremors became clearer. I surfaced like a submarine in world war two, not sure what awaits my ascent to the water level. Removing my misty goggles to improve my vision were unavoidable. I could hardly believe my eyes…….

There she was! Could it be? Is it really possible? It was a figure unknown to me. Dressed in a pink swimming cap with matching goggles, her blue swimsuit accentuated her boundless curves. Never in my life have I seen such an amount of cellulite kept under pressure by a single piece of lycra….

She approached the little stepladder leading into the water, she turned AROUND!!! There was a sudden silence in the gym as everyone held their breaths as the little pieces of metal fought the excessive gravitational forces. The sound of stainless steel scratching against the surface is enough to make milk go sour. Her monstrous thighs frightened me! She slowly launched into the pool causing excessive water displacement.

Now only the pink head with puffy eyes were visible above the surface, it reminded me of a certain mammal living in parts of Africa fond of Chomps. I was amazed by the speed at which this babe was gliding from one side to another. I suppose it’s understandable as whales are quite maneuverable. I had to see for myself, so I rinsed my goggles and investigated. Have you ever seen an overweight bullfrog swimming in a pond? It’s a picture you don’t forget easily, but you do find it difficult to describe to your friends.

I really do admire this lady as it must take a huge amount of pure guts to rock up at a public swimming pool knowing that you are going to be the main event of the day dressed in a swimsuit manufactured by Camp Master Pty Ltd. I wish her all the best on her journey of losing the few extra kg’s. . . . I salute you!

My new friend

Former president Nelson Mandela had the privilege of meeting me on Friday. We had a nice chat, and of course he wanted a picture with me so that he can show Graca that it really was me he met, so I thought what the hell, I’ll put the picture on my blog as well, even if it’s just to annoy Winnie Mdidikizela exMandela when she sees whom her ex hubby hangs out with these days. I might have to watch my back from now on, sy sal dalk ‘n stokkie voor die vriendskap will steek…..of is dit dalk ‘n “stompie” dood druk……..oh I better watch my back…….

New guestbook feature

I came to the realisation that some readers are not able to leave comments on this website due to the fact that you need to be a registered blogger to do so nevertheless I have gone the extra mile and introduced a guestbook feature where you can leave a message/comment as you please. Just click on the link on the top right side of the site.

Anyone for a filter?

Last night I experienced what they call writers block. I was trying my utmost best to get a story for this blog going with no luck. I think what prevented me from focusing and centralizing inspirational thoughts was the fact that I discovered late yesterday that someone who still needs to be identified ordered another sh!t load of excess stock at one of my clients of which the name will remain unknown. I mean iT’s psYChO to think that the massive amounts of DAF (big truck) filters currently standing in the isles, entrances, exits, emergency exits, restrooms, offices, boardrooms and kitchens are going to disappear before the next vessel arrives while the demand has vanished from the face of the earth.

The view from Barloworld site office window at anonymous client

Next to the door

So for the backyard mechanics amongst us, we are planning on putting some air filters on promotion soon, it’s compatible to any Ford Cortina, Nissan Skyline and Sentra and if you turn it inside out it might even work on a Jetta. We are currently looking at alternative markets as well, so if anyone know of any Kerk Bazaars or Vroue Landbou Unie (VLU) events coming up, please let me know, Zeurika came up with a nice idea of turning a DAF filter into a cute lantern that will fit in nicely alongside your wind chime on your stoop. Magda already offered to do the embroidery……….

Next month we will be running a door-to-door campaign on Renault cylinder heads, we are just waiting for the wheel barrows to arrive ……………………. ”I love to truck”……..

You are what you drive......?

I would just like to take this opportunity to congratulate John on his new car, he finally decided to settle down and trade in the coupe for something more practical, a more family type car. I wish you lots of pleasant driving…… I’m sure you will be able to fit a baby seat or two in the back seat of that thing!



PS. Just before I completely ruin John’s reputation and chances of getting a girl, I suppose I have to mention that the white Datsun is a rental that John is driving while his car is being fixed after another unfortunate incident involving alcohol.

Clueless Conclusion #2: Is Afrikaners plesierig?

I came to another conclusion. This particular conclusion might come down hard on some toes so if you are a sensitive viewer maybe you should skip this blog and read the more positive ones below.

Don’t get me wrong this is not a negative blog at all, on the contrary this is my inconsequential attempt to change some attitudes towards some of our current social situations in our immediate surroundings. I’m not denying that we have problems, oh no I realise we have heaps, but I think South Africans could qualify as being one of the most negative nations ever.

So the first thing I would like to get off my chest is the Gautrain development. I have come to the point where I get an internal twinge (you know where) when I hear yet another comment on how the Gautrain is never ever going to work and lets rather spend the money on another 5 lanes on the N1 and build some extra houses. I mean really people, this is probably one the first good ideas coming out of government in a long time, if not the first ever. At least this is the first step in the direction of getting a functional public transport infrastructure that might actually attract some international investment into our country which could in turn solve a lot of our other social problems.

I’m sure it’s going to take a lot of birth pains to get this baby delivered into a fully functional system but lets try and keep the end goal in mind and try and avoid Rivonia road over the next couple of months. After all this is one thing that we as the tax payers might actually benefit from.

Maybe I live in a dream world but imagine if I don’t have to get up at 4:45am everyday (crying) to ploy the rest of the automobile population on the N1 and rather spend a few minutes on a train to Sandton. I might even start reading then (although that might be pushing it a bit!) and I might even live longer as I won’t constantly burst veins in my head over idiocy in traffic and I might save about 5000km per month on my car as well.

After all is said and done, the train is coming, and not even genl De la Ray can prevent it so hou net op kla!

Four-by-four best by far

As I was driving back from Nelspruit yesterday (after we paid a visit to the new bambino) I had some time to think about today’s blog. Unfortunately I didn’t use the time wisely therefore I don’t really have a topic for today so I’m just writing what comes to mind (which could be dangerous off course).

I was in the privileged position yesterday to experience what it feels like to be the king of the road. I was able to see the petrified expressions on drivers faces, of small vehicles through their tinny rear-view mirrors while I was cruising with ouboet’s Cherokee yesterday on the N4 towards the capital.

I realised the difference between driving a BMW and a monster is the fact that if you drive up to a car with a BMW the driver in front of you will not give way purely because he/she just assumes that you are a “box” and that you must be taught a lesson because you can’t do anything to them even though your are flashing your headlights and occasionally hooting at them.

With a 3.7L Jeep the picture changes slightly, you drive up to an UNO who didn’t see you coming. You sit high enough to be able to see the person in the driver seat in front of you slowly wet their pants as he/she observes you for the first time (through their tinny little rear-view mirror) when your cruise control is set on 140km/h. In this case flashing headlights is unnecessary because purely the roar of a V6 reflecting on the rear window of a little hatchback is enough to force the dinky toy to divert to 9 o’clock.

In this case it doesn’t matter if you are a “box” or not, there might be a big chance you are a woman speaking on a cell phone who just fetched the kids from some private school and hasn’t got the hang of this big vehicle yet which in case you are going to come second if you resist opening up the fast lane.

So the moral of the story is even though you are using slightly more fuel to drive the bigger car, it’s worth every cent as you have a dedicated lane on the highway and you can drive over traffic circles if you really want or need to…..

Like sand through the hour glass so are the days of our lives at Mooikloof Ridge…

In the previous episode I explained my encounters regarding the new high-tech security system being implemented at Mooikloof Ridge. Since then I have managed to gained access and is now able to sleep in my own bed again. Nevertheless new adventures arise every day and we are now playing survivor to see who can out wit and out last the longest without a drop of water.

Team Oak Hill competed in a reward challenge in which we decided to take on Rand Water to try and solve the problem, needless to say we lost the battle and therefore we were not rewarded with running water. We are now setting our eyes on the next immunity challenge where we will be trying to force Kungwini Local municipality (yes you read correctly I’m not living in Pta as I thought, but rather in the place previously known by the name of Bronkhorstspruit) to resume water supply by complaining to the Fire Department because the fire hoses are malfunctioning due the non-existing water pressure.

If we don’t succeed in this effort we will have to face the tribal council and vote someone off and as the popularity poll stand now it might be the sweet lady from Pretor (the administrative agents) who doesn’t answer her phone………to be continued….

You have the right to remain silent....

Me and Marinda went drinking on Saturday night and got arrested...............JUST KIDDING! I just thought it would make a good headline seeing that my mother as well as Marinda read this blog these days..........I promise that there was no alcohol involved when the pictures below was taken....

.

"Marinda you just hang on to that concrete pillar there". . . .luckily she didn't puke in my car. . . . None of the above is true of course, I'm just full of shit as usual, unfortunately Marinda fell victim to my sadistic sense of humour but I'm sure she will get even one way or another.

C-Section for an A-List member

Today once again it is a big day in the lives of the Gouws family. Today it is the day that we add another name to the bottom of the A-list. We welcome Henri Gouws jr to the royal family, and yes you read correctly, it is another boy. This is just the way we ensure that what our family is famous for lives on in generations to come, and that, of coarse is the eligibility of the Gouws men, in other words God’s gift to wom………..

This is then also the main reason for me being unmarried as I am the youngest of the senior generation of Gouws men, and currently the only brother not spoken for, I feel it is my duty to stay single to keep the hopes of single women alive, until the younger breed is ready to take over the reigns as the bachelor/s. Watching Pieter Gouws jr(3) and his girlfriend Amnestie (3) I might have to step down sooner than I bargained for . . . and then with Josua Gouws’s (picture below) inquisitive nature I might learn a thing or two from the youngsters………..

Welcome Henri……from your favorite uncle…… (the crazy one) . .I will post visiuals of the new born as soon as the proud daddy is finished smoking his cigar and sent me some pics.

The official results

And the results are in. Find Team Rock, Paper & Scissors