We in for a big “Party”

So South Africa is on the brink of going to the ballot in yet another Local Government election. I can’t help to see the humor in the politician’s desperate attempt to convince the last few indecisive voters to entrust them with their votes. I find it very interesting that the ever so powerful ruling party in particular is showing signs of desperate measures (…is it desperate times?). Suddenly re-promising houses, jobs and better services. What would be different this term? How much of previous election promises turned out to be empty? What about trying the alternative? My view is we don’t have much to lose in having a lady in power, probably much to gain, we all want to live in Cape Town? The only thing that the ANC could find wrong with Cape Town is open lavatories! Trust them to bring up toilet talk, talking sh!t is probably the first language of the Youth League leader not to even mention our president who is threatening voters with ancestral discontent if they were to vote for any other party. Yes this is president of a country saying that! Come on people vote for someone with brains, guts and passion…..just vote!

The Art of Good Living

As I've mentioned in the previous article, I'm currently residing in the sometimes known snobbish northern suburbs of Johannesburg called Sandton. So I just happened to parked next to our very own South African socialite and author of "The Art of Good Living" Me Edith Venter herself at the robot in William Nichol this afternoon.

Now I'm sure you know as well as I do that she has an eye for a man in a convertible, if I'm not mistaken thats how she and her current (I think 4th) husband met, but I will have to go back a couple of editions of Huisgenoot to verify, apart from having her toes licked. But in anycase, those of you who know me well enough would know that an opportunity like this I purely cannot resist. So obviously my roof was down in a matter of seconds while I was searching for a business card to throw in her direction.

Unfortunately I was too late and the traffic light turned green and dear Edith showed me what a Audi TT with extra skurtings can do down William Nichol. I don't know if she was on an advanced driving course in order to escape from paparazzi, or is she has a dark secret backround of street racing which our loyal editor of Huisgenoot haven't discovered yet as she was too busy haunting down Joost and dogging warm tea cups from Steve.

Then I thought maybe she has moved on from exchanging business cards at robots but rather liked to be chased these days, so I stepped down on my Steptronic and moved in on her quickly to the discomfort of a few people in small white cars on their way back to the south. For a few moments I thought, was it really her? But when I got closer I reassured myself that there is only one lady in this town with a hairdoo so perfect and stable which can withstand any form of natural desaster and that is our Edith.....

Where we came from

It has been close to 5 months since my last posting on Clueless Conclusions. I'm pretty sure my regular readers have moved on with their lives by now, which I suppose I have to be proud of. This is the new season of the column, I realised recently that even though my life has been filled with all kinds of exciting things, one thing was missing....guess what that is?

So where have I been you may ask? Ag seker nie ver nie..... but the real question is maybe where am I going to. Seeing that this is the first episode of a new season of this soapy, lets have a quick recap on the previous seasons so that you don't have to go back into the archive to catch up, but if you choose to do so, feel free because that probably means you have seen all 4 seasons of Prison Break in 3 days....must say I'm still impressed that there are people that manage that with a day job and a social life...

Clueless Conclusions started way back in the day when I was a dedicated Blue Bull supporter in Pretoria East, I even had a blue flag somewhere along the line, I once remember driving in Pretorius street with it sticking out of the window of my then BMW. I can look back now and realise that it didn't quit fit the picture because my car didn't have a towbar with blue balls swinging at the back, nor did it have horns on the front, I also didn't have a stukkie on the passenger seat shouting the bloubull sukkel nie sy roer af nie, but instead my dear reserved mother.

I lived in a estate which went through thick and thin without water for months, security gaurds that prevented us from entering our own properties, the list goes on, but not all were bad, it was almost like the Ropers with Mr Furley living next door, in this case his name was Hendrik. Not only did he make decent coffee and could I borrow the odd cup of milk (those of you who knows my fridge would understand...don't know why I have one), but he also could read Tarrot cards which freaked me out a bit, but for the life of me I can't remember what the cards said and now I wouldn't know if it came true. I left Pta east at 5 am every morning in order to miss traffic to Sandton. That caused me to trade in my car ever so often which was not such a bad thing if you think about it.

Somewhere along the line in 2007 I saw the light and realised that I can actually do my own laundry, or at least pay someone to do it, so I moved accross the Jeukskei to the big bad city of Johannesburg and started to get a life away from the sad soles on the N1. My life took a big flip in the process, I joined Colonel Sander's restaurant business and have been forced to eat chicken for the past two years now. I have met lots of new interesting people which form part of my life now which might feature in the column from time to time depending on how much they pay me to keep my mouth shut.

I recently discovered I'm turning grey, which I suppose is what you get if you decide to take an early midlife crises and buy a convertible in your late twenties, or maybe it has a more personal conectation to it. I'm planning my retirement in the next ten years, so Freaky and I are going to be rich beyond believe in the near future.

Ok I'm off to see an old friend that flew in from Dubai to come and cool down in SA.

"What goes on tour goes on Facebook"

I consider the time I spend under water, in the pool in the mornings at 5h30am, probably the most philosophical moments of my routine day. As I was gliding from one side to the other this morning, I thought about the inquisitive nature of the human being. I recently came to the realization that certain people would actually go to arms length to scrutinize the lives of others to gather as much information as possible.  The motive for these actions differ vastly and with some I can easily live with. 

Example, if the police are investigating your every move they probably have a good reason and have a responsibility towards society to monitor you in order to manage potential risk. If my mother wants to know where I am, and if I arrived home safely it is because she cares and are concerned about my well being. 

On the other hand if my colleagues at work knows who I see for lunch, where I hang out over weekends, who I see in my spare time without me sharing any of that information, I start to get slightly worried. I never imagined that buying a convertible would be like adding rocket fuel to a Sunday afternoon braai the way the gossip flared up when I drove the new two-seater into the basement. 

I always considered a gym as a place of exercise and maybe a bit of socialization, ….not anymore. People whom you don’t know become your facebook friends in order to get a heads up on a bet to find out as much as they can. If a total stranger asks you in the sauna how your infected eye is holding up these days, I want to call Mr Bolhuis for protection. How did he know that and what value does the information have for him? If three people follow you to your car I consider buying a gun…ok maybe just pepper spray guns are a bit extreme. 

Then there are the people you would like to show interest in your life but just doesn’t give a hoot, those are usually the nice ones I came to realize but I think that’s a topic for a Sunday afternoon. Then you get individuals pretending not to be interested and then spying on you behind fake internet identities. These are the ones slightly messing with my brain. 

I saw a T-shirt saying: “:What goes on tour goes on Facebook”…very true! 

To set the record straight on a couple of things which might save some people some effort: I do not take money underneath the table from suppliers, I just don’t have children, timeshare or a drug habit to fund therefore can afford a Z4. If I didn’t tell you in person I am buying a new car it’s not a personal vendetta. If I spend a lot of time with someone it doesn’t necessarily mean I have relations with that person. 

And then I got out of the pool. . . 

Marley & Please Not Me

I realized not all Labradors are the sweet and well tempered dogs that you always see accompanying people with dark glasses and white sticks. If they don’t finish school they can actually destroy an apartment and even a marriage as well. All of this was evident in the kind of sad predictable movie called Marley & Me.    

I must compliment the director for his selection of the cast, who can portray a whining frustrated housewife better than Jennifer Aniston. If you thought Ross in Friends had it bad, you should watch poor Owen Wilson suffer in this 2 hour drama. Who can blame him for directing his feelings towards his best friend (Marley the ill mannered pooch that eats fax machines!). Don’t get me wrong, it is not that I think the movie was bad, in fact it was probably a very accurate portrayal of so many married couples lives, sad but true. 

After watching this movie I watch one of the worst movies ever produced, I’m not even going to elaborate on this as it is a complete waste of time. The words Ben Stiller should be considered warning signs as a rule.   

A New Chapter

Since the previous post, we entered a new year, a year filled with many challenges, opportunities and of course intricacies that kept the first quarter of the year anything but dull. My own personal life was no exception. I turned 29 in January which was in a way nostalgic as it is the last year before being an old man, or at least that was my perception until now that I tiptoe closer to the big three zero myself.

I have always considered myself as being slightly more mature than my peers, as arrogant as it might sound it is proven by the fact that I am going through a midlife crises at age 29. Whether it means I will only reach age 58, or it is just my impatient  nature that made me decide I cannot wait until my middle age to drive a convertible, therefore I went out and down graded my car to a little two seater  beast  with,  of course a soft top.

You have to agree that the whole idea of wind through your hair makes so much more sense while you still have hair to gust in the wind, and in fact sunburn on a bold head could be quite dangerous unless you have a proper comb-over cemented down by brilcream.

I turned right into 2009 out of 2008 which seems to be a good neighbourhood never before travelled, 2008 was a well looked after suburb, but as they say “bo blink en onder stink” I was almost hi-jacked on the corner of 11^th and 2008, luckily I escaped unharmed, or at least no visible scars. (for the blonde readers – this was figurative speech, so if you don’t understand ....don’t worry about it ) 

Dear Diary

I don’t keep a diary therefore I just want to jot down a few pointers on here so that I can look back one day with a tear in my eye on the what life was like as a twenty something.

Friday night
- I rediscovered why people buy a Mercedes Benz SLK. So that you can drive through the city topless on a beautiful summer evening. I don’t understand the Theuns Jordaan part just as yet, but I suppose anything goes in a German sports car because you kind of set the rules in any case.
- Heinrich arrived from Cape Town in style of course I expect nothing less, another expensive German auto.

Saturday
- Started early with coffee in my own bed, now that I can get used to!
- Breakfast with Gwen in Pretoria,
- Hard physical labor at no 97 Oak Hill to prepare for new tenants
- Josua Gouws turned 3, of course I had to attend the party and consume some cake.
- Gym session to burn off the cake.
- Dinner at Vintage Fresh with some of the most interesting people in Gauteng whom I call my friends. Please don’t make any assumptions on any of the photographs on facebook. I don’t know how it happened that I woke up on my bed (fully made) at 5 am with my party clothes on….suppose that’s proof of a successful party.

For some reason I just had to include this picture to make a few of my friends jealous

Sunday
- Early greasy breakfast at Hyde Park.
- The best medicine for a hangover is exercise, so I had the most amazing swim after breakfast.
- Spent lunchtime next to the pool in the glorious sun, with good company I might add ….
- Early dinner at the airport with Heinrich before he departed again.
- Late evening tea with Mr Big.
- Then finally bed.

And the award goes to....

So I settled for black. From head to toe dressed in black I arrived at the Supplier of the Year Awards passing the two red Ferrari’s and the GT40 after parking my Aston Martin DBS (I wish!). The 007 undertone décor of this function made Edith’s wedding look like a kid’s party. The food was exceptional and so was the music. The awards made some people very happy and then drunk, and other people drunk and then very happy. An innocent admin clerk of a fresh produce supplier can transform into a voluptuous woman that pulls you on the dance floor that doesn’t want to let go, and that just because of a few drinks ….or is it?

I had lots of fun, although waking up feeling a bit bilious was not that much fun, fortunately a proper hotel breakfast sorted me out.

Class of 98

So we all packed our cooler boxes and headed east for the Class of 98 reunion at then best school on the East Rand Höerskool Jeugland. It is hard to believe that it has been a decade since the last time I was dressed in uniform (ok not the last but those are just for fun! grrr)

The biggest motivation for attending was obviously curiosity, as you want to see how everybody turned out, and then my personal motivation was to see if the 1st Rugby team obtained their cool, god’s gift status over the past 10 years. My suspicions were confirmed within the first few minutes. I came to the general conclusion that the nerds turned out rather well, and with that I don’t necessarily would have called myself a nerd at school, but I suppose I was the captain of the chess team at some stage wearing spectacles as thick as a glass Coca-Cola bottle base so I suppose that puts me in that category.

Some people got bigger, some got smaller (ok I can only think of one such example), some haven’t changed, some became more reserved, some should be more reserved and not sit on my lap while married with children and the husband is sweating at the braai fire! I don’t like long white nails and I don’t care that you got your figure back after childbirth, not interested darling!

There are obviously two questions you get asked all night, and depending on the answer to the second question you might get a third.
“So what do you do for a living?”
“Are you married?” if yes “How many children?”

I contemplated before hand to take a prostitute as a date and dress up in a suit which would have provided answers to both these questions, but instead I dressed normal and dragged M along who helped me finish the two bottles of good red wine, she ended up handing out her phone number to up and coming rock stars…you go girl!

Something I don’t understand yet is why you would park your C180 Classic right in front of the door of the school hall and not with the rest of the automobiles in the parking lot? Just because you can, or maybe the cooler box was slightly heavy, or maybe that was the condition to drive mommy’s car for the night as she might be afraid it could get stolen….some things never change

See you all in ten years time!

Back to Black

So the most prestigious event on the Yum! calendar is approaching fast and I still have nothing to wear. Believe it or not, yes I know my cupboards can’t close properly anymore, but dressing up for a formal function with a theme of “Black and White” is not something I managed to orchestrate from the mountains of clothes I currently own.

I usually find myself upstream from the conventional flow of things and therefore figured that most males in the room will most probably wear the traditional (excuse the term somewhat boring) black penguin tux with a propeller around the collar, so yes I know some of you might fall of you chair now, but I’ve strongly considered to bring back the Modern Talking era by wearing a white tux. The idea remained a great one as such until I got to the bottom of my internal struggle which was the shoes. If there is one thing I hate more than a Toyota Camry, it is the sight of white leather shoes on the feet of a Caucasian male (maybe there is a correlation between white shoes and white Camry’s I don’t know?).

So I am in despair, if I wear black shoes with a white tux I will definitely give away in which part of town I grew up, If I wear brown shoes people might think I’m either colour blind or that I’m an undercover bottle blonde member of the Italian mafia, which brings me back to the white shoes. It didn’t even work for the Soft Cell’s in the 80’s so I think it is naïve of me to think something changed over the past 25 years.

So like Amy Winehouse rightfully say, I’m “back to black” and looking for ideas to differentiate myself from Martino, but I’m not keen on any peach coloured waistbands with matching ties, as one of the shop assistants suggested just before I stormed out of his store!

Any ideas, drop me a line. . .

Pronto 4th Anniversary

So the who’s who got together in one room on Saturday night to celebrate the 4th anniversary of the ever popular Pronto in Craighall Park.

As usual Natasha (the most fabulous hostess in town) lightened up the party, dressed in something most women would kill to fit into. The food once again confirmed the stable values that Pronto got known for. As we lifted our glasses to drink to the next 4 years of success, it ignited an automatic reaction that kept me going for a while which caused a slightly bilious Sunday morning.

Previously on .....

Just to put everything in perspective since the end of Season One of Clueless Conclusions lets just recap a few main pointers. . . . .

Previously on Clueless Conclusions:

-The only unmarried Gouws brother is now officially me, which is obviously starting to raise all kinds of questions which I’m not obliged to give answers to.

-I subsequently moved to Sandton...no I’m not a snob although I have absolutely no problem with enjoying the finer things in life ...this have no relation to the golf clubs that I have in the boot of my car, I still can’t play......

-I had the most awesome vacation in South America where I tried my hand at skiing and realised that I’m not a natural in everything I do, at least I provided some entertainment to the other Eskimos sweeping by down the slopes. I also came to the conclusion that the Argentineans are not all as attractive as they were in that crying movie (maybe they should have rather used Amy Winehouse for the role of Evita instead of Madonna). But now the Brazilians are a totally different story, and boy do they know how to party!

- A cheap fix if you need it, is sleeping pills on an empty stomach followed by a G & T, it makes you see cartoon characters on board of an Airbus A340.

- I had a stalker that turned out into a possible modelling career in swimwear.......watch the billboards.....

-It turns out my maid has got long fingers, and by that I don’t mean she can reach for the last bit of chutney in a Mrs Balls bottle, she can make jewellery disappear. . . at least she can iron!

-Two of my best friends emigrated to Netherland just so that they can fornicate in Vondelpark

-A 60 year old police captain from PE added me on facebook as a friend??

Clueless Conclusion

I’ve heard an interesting saying the other day:
“He who seeks the Lord at the 11th hour, dies at 22h59.....”
Some motivation for the week on a depressing Sunday night......

The One?

Like many things in life, we inherit the belief that there is only one perfect partner for each of us on this earth. I tend to believe that this conviction originated in the same framework as the Christian religion found its rules and regulations. Therefore contesting this statement might also be found to be improper and completely out of line if I were to be found in the company of a no-questions-asked religious individual.

There are roughly 6.6 billion people alive on mother earth. If there is only one person suited for me, what is the probability of me finding that person in my lifetime in Johannesburg? Maybe I’m too cynical but unless we were tagged with some kind of GPS tracking device when we were born, which I doubt was the case as I was born in the early 8Os when Atari TV games was the most advanced technology of the day, there are very little chance of me finding that perfect person.

On the other hand is this maybe the reason why people stay captured in unhappy marriages for decades because they believed the partner was “the one” and he or she did not dare to ask the question? Is it ok to admit he or she was not the one? Maybe you read the signs wrong? But signs can’t be wrong?

So what if Mr/Mrs right never arrives? Are we allowed to settle for second best or must we all join a convent? My question is, is there something like second best? Or are you able to create first prize if both parties are compatible? Are you not in control of your own happiness?

So have I found “The One”? Or will I find out in 30 years it was not the one? Or will I shape the model to suit us best in order to keep the happy side of the scale as high as possible in the air, sounds like the option for me. . . .you might decide to let a good fit pass by, and rather go to church alone while you wait for the chosen one. . . .

Season Premier

Welcome to the first episode of the new season of Clueless Conclusions. This season promise to take on a new course to provide you, the reader with a variety of twists and turns to keep you on the tip of your seat.

End of season

Clueless Conclusions reached the end of season 1, for the time being please log into http://metnknippiesout.blogspot.com/ for similar entertainment

The lights are on again, and this time someone’s home

Good day my beloved readers, the one’s I have left I mean. I must apologise sincerely for the long motionless state of this blog over the past couple of months, and sure, you must be saying to yourself, “Yeah we heard that one before!” but I will make an effort to update Clueless Conclusions with all kinds of trivial information more regularly from now on.

The fact that the blog was rather lifeless for a while is definitely not an indication that there haven’t been any activities ongoing in my life, on the contrary that might be the main reason for not finding time to write.

Just to give an update on what happened since the 9th of December 07 to date, here are a few highlights:

- I visited Madikwe game reserve in December with Hannes, spotted a lot of game, enjoyed the game drives, hated the food, got lost on the way back, almost flipped the ML;
- Visited family for Christmas, all are good and well and they seemed to get the idea that I’m not getting married,;
- Visited Mount Grace in with Gwen, was relaxing, service was poor and too many children running around. I was reminded of an Easter weekend at an Aventura resort.
- Visited Durban for New Years, was a jol!
- Bought a new car, yes I had enough of malfunctioning power steering systems!
- Got a fractured cheek bone on my birthday , . . real story remains untold. . .
- Had a birthday party.
- Oh and the second last Gouws brother is getting married soon, so guess what, then all eyes, focus and prayers will be directed to the last unmarried Gouws brother, which of course is me. . .

That in a nut shell is where we are, I will think of something silly to post tomorrow.

Another Clueless Conclusion

As you should know by now, this blog’s name is rightfully called clueless conclusions where no subject is taboo and I try and explain the unexplained and challenge the explained and talk all kind of irrelevant nonsense along the way.

I came across a very interesting truth yesterday, if you consider that light travel faster than sound that is the reason why some people look very good until they start to talk.

Team Rock Paper and Scissors still ROCK!

Yes I know it’s more than a month since I last posted anything on this site. That in fact does not mean that I have nothing to share, but rather that I’ve been absolutely too busy to write about all my adventures. Some of you might watch my facebook profile every now and then. So I thought it good to combine the two and also have my blog fed to my facebook profile, so that people only have to read one or the other.
This past weekend was one of those non-stop energy drainer weekends. I got to bed on Saturday morning at 2h30am after painting the town red. On Saturday night it was time for the Xmas party of all Xmas parties. The night ended 4am the following morning after dozens of Jagebombs and all kinds of other evil stuff I remember something about playing truth or dare......luckily I can’t remember the finer detail.....
To my miss fortune I had to get up at 7am on Sunday, not to have a relaxing breakfast, but to rush to the Germiston lake to participate as a key member in the legendary team Rock, Paper and Scissors for another triathlon. I suspected that I could drown during my swim event considering the state I was in, but nothing that a few pain killers, and energy drinks couldn’t fix!
I am proud to announce that Team Rock, Paper and Scissors improved their time by 2 minutes from the previous race, YOU ROCK!

I’m a down to earth kind of guy

Me and my mountain bike buddy went for a journey around the Emmerentia dam and surrounding areas on Saturday. I was obviously driving my brand new mountain bike, fully kitted with helmet, gloves and of course tight cycling pants. As I became more used to the handling of the bike, I obviously became braver by the minute. Coming down a slope somewhere in Victory Park I didn’t notice a very small but rather deep stream crossing the little footpath I came speeding down. The front wheel of my bike disappeared into stream causing my bike to flip in a very spectacular way. I came down on all fours landing on my bike, or my bike on top of me . .I can’t really remember because I spent minimal time on the ground, despite my injuries I got up so quickly to reduce the risk of someone noticing my ordeal. After getting up my biggest concern was the condition of my brand new bike, which was fortunately ok. My ego and legs are bruised but I’ll live . . .Thanks H for not laughing (in my face in anycase)